this sweet boy, this mother's heart

let me start out by saying that i have been contemplating on how to approach this post for a while now. i am not a naturally forthcoming person, especially when it comes to personal struggles in my life. when i started this blog, yes, it was for me to have some fun, maybe "meet" some other moms out there in the blogosphere, but the main point was to let our family and friends who wanted to keep up to date with us to have an easy way to do that. also, Bobby and i thought it would be great for us to be able to look back and see things we were doing, how things changed, how Caleb's grown, and so on. we wanted to record parts of our journey, and right now, this is a big part of it.

i also want to be careful how much i put out there. i love my family so much, and i want to cherish this journey we're on together. i don't ever want to tell too much of our story. after all, this is the internet.

i always want to be honest, and not ever feel like i'm simply painting a pretty picture of the foreground just to cover up all the stuff behind it. yet i also fear i may not do well with my words, and undermine or not show sensitivity to what others are going through. we all have stuff in our lives. right now, my stuff is kinda sending me for a loop, but i fully know that there are so many who have stuff in their lives that mine doesn't come anywhere near in comparison.

so, with all that said, here goes.....



anxious...questioning...nervous...overwhelmed...inadequate...guilty...angry...scared.

these are some words that might describe what's going on inside my heart these days.


our sweet Caleb has been dealing with some developmental and communication delays, as well as some sensory issues. at 15 months, his pediatrician was concerned with the fact that he had no words, and also that he was showing very limited understanding of what we were saying. by 18 months, when there wasn't really any change, bobby and i agreed that this was something we needed to address. we have had many different evaluations done since then with a lot of different doctors and specialists. we have started early intervention therapy, speech therapy, and are trying to get started on occupational therapy as well. right now there is no reason, or diagnosis, or any real answers as to what lies ahead.

Caleb is now 22 months old. he has shown some progress with the therapy already, but still has a long ways to go. he still has no words, except maybe "go" and "dada". he is definitely aware that he is limited in how he can communicate with us, and some days he can get very frustrated and upset. some days, he is happy as can be and running around the house laughing. he has such a sweet, sweet spirit.


this is what i know in my head:

God has a plan for Caleb.

God has a plan for Bobby and me.

God made Caleb in His image. He gave him to us to be his parents. He will give us everything we need to be the parents He calls us to be.

God is good.

God is mighty.

God can move mountains.

Everything that happens in our lives, the good, the bad, and all the stuff in between, happens for a reason. Everything is for His bigger picture.

We won't always understand that this side of heaven.


in my head, i know all of that, but if i am completely honest, i have to admit that my heart's not there yet. i have complete faith and confidence that God will lead me there, but today, in this moment, with this situation, it's just not there yet.



calm...quiet...trusting...still...peaceful.

these are the words that i want to be able to use to describe my heart. that is where i want to be. that is where i yearn to be.

"Don't worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything.

Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers.

If you do this, you will experience His peace, which is

far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.

His peace will make your thoughts and hearts quiet and at rest

as you trust in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7